It’s been a year, we’re going to make it

January 1st 2018

We came to your house and shared a meal of black eyed peas and cabbage with sausage, for dessert we had homemade figgy pudding. We sat and visited, you seemed tired but you enjoyed us being there. I remember sitting with you at your round red table that you were so proud of and just having a good conversation.

The kids ran and played, they gave you hugs and kisses as we headed out the door. I told you I loved you and hoped this year would be good!

I didn’t know then that this would be the “normal” visit to your home. I didn’t know how much I’d cherish getting to start the first day our New Year with you! I didn’t know how hard this year would get so soon….

February 28th 2018

I sat on the stairs with my oldest son just beyond the curtain that divided us from you. I listened as your breathing became more labored and your adult children and husband whispered softly and sweetly to you that it was ok. That you could go. I held my son as we both cried when the sounds stopped.

We cried as we went to tell the others that you’d left us. The house became more crowded, people came to say their goodbyes. People wept so hard because you were gone.

We went home and tried to process how quickly you went from the main source of strength for our family to passing away in just a few short months.

I don’t have the pictures with you that others have but that’s ok. (I actually had to steal this one from my sisters post) But what I do have is so many memories and stories to pass onto my kids when they ask about you. I always play up the dramatic side like you always did.

I spent so much of my adult life getting to be more then your granddaughter and I’m so grateful for our friendship.

There aren’t enough words to describe how much I miss you!

You were so strong and wise. You gave more of yourself to others then you could ever realize. You were so beautiful and so stubborn. You were so kind yet so blunt sometimes it was almost hard to hear. But your love never failed to come through.

I wish you were here to see how much I’ve grown and how much the kids have grown over the past year! I wish you were here to share in all the happy times and tell me to put my big girl panties on when I’m feeling down on myself.

I still can’t believe it’s been a year, I can’t believe we’ve made it this long without talking to you everyday!

I know things will get easier as more time passes but I’m not sure the moments of grief won’t ever truly go away, that it won’t hit me when I accidentally write your name as an emergency contact. That it won’t hit me when I see your name in my phone because I just can’t take your number out. That when I’m alone in my car and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to call you and talk to you won’t leaving me in tears.

I miss you Granny, but I know you are in a far better place and someday we will all rejoice in our reunion. Until then I will live my life, take care of my babies, be there for our family, and know that you’re proud of all of us!

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